I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
