I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I stole a fireplace last night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Shame - the story of my life.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
