Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
