I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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