they need to just BURY HIM!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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