The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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