We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
