No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
