He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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