Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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