I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
