the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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