i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
