Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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