You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
