I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
