You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
