I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
