I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
