i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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