If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
