My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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