I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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