I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
