Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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