remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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