I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
