I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
