I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
