You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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