I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
