He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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