just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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