so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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