Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
