Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
