I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
