I cockslap morals
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i think i have two assholes
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
