i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
