I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
