i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
