One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
