So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
