My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
