So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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