I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
