Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
