I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
