Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
