Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
