For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
