best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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