Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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