I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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