I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I am one with the molecules
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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