census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
