Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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